


Let Al Say Fuck

by sombreromoustache



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Crack, F/F, Gen, M/M, Mpreg, Troll Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 16:23:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16267943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sombreromoustache/pseuds/sombreromoustache
Summary: An epic battle takes place between the heroes and the Homunculi over the fate of the world. It all depends on if Alphonse can say Fuck. (Troll Fic)





	Let Al Say Fuck

It was a climactic end to Ed and Al’s journey! Everyone was gathered in the Tube Room, for the epic confrontation against Daddy and his Homunculi. Hohenheim was attempting to hold off Daddy with his superior Eastern-style alchemy, while Daddy was using his lazier and cheaply made Western-Style Alchemy.  
“Alphonse! Do it!” Hohenheim yelled as red electricity fluttered around him, “You’re the only one that can stop him.  
The suit of armor shuttered at the thought, “B-but! I can’t! I can’t do it!”  
Ed tried comforting his suit of armor, i mean, his brother, “C’mon, Al! I know you can do it!”  
Winry and Mei came forward to Al to offer words of encouragement, “That’s right, Al! I believe in you!”  
Well it was Mei encouraging him. Winry on the otherhand just threatened Al, “IF YOU DON’T SAVE THE WORLD YOU’RE NOT GETTING APPLE PIE!”  
“What? How can you be so cruel, Winry?” Al demanded.  
“BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”  
Daddy got tired of their bullshit energy battles and just punched Hohenheim, “That’s right, Alphonse. You know you can’t say the forbidden word.”  
Hohenheim punched Daddy back, “DON’T LISTEN TO HIM, AL! If you can say it, you’ll end the Homunculi’s plans!”  
“B-but. I can’t,” Al fell onto his metal knees in defeat.  
On the other end of the room, Greed tapped on the shoulders of General Armstrong, “So what’s going on? What are they trying to get Al to say?”  
“Eat my ass, Non-Aryan!” Greed received the standard response that Armstrong gave to people.  
Major Armstrong popped out of his sister’s shadow, “What she really means is, they’re trying to get Al to say fuck.”  
“Wat,” Ling and Greed said in unison.  
“Yes it was written in a report that Dr. Marcoh found,” Armstrong explained. Good luck figuring out which Armstrong said it because like I said, “Everyone is Here,” Masahiro Sakurai (2018.)  
Dr. Marcoh approached Troy Baker, “Yes. You see in this text-  
“OH MY GOD! WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!” Gluttony did his best Plinkett impression when he saw Dr. Marcoh’s face. Due to Scar’s bullshit and Mei’s amateurish plastic surgery, Dr. Macho looked exactly like Joel Madden! It was super off putting too because you don’t expect an old man voice to come out of Joel Maddon’s face.  
“Anyways, i found this text on reddit last night. It foretold that if Alphonse Elric says Fuck, it will solve the plot of Fullmetal Alchemist,” Marcoh read through the text verbatim.  
“Wait that wasn’t reddit. That was my brother’s research,” Scar objected to this piercing of the fourth wall.  
“Ishvala. Reddit. What’s the difference?”  
Envy had a good joke that would PTSD trigger the fuck out of Scar, but now was not the time for such gadfly activities. Now was the time to prevent their prime candidate for sacrifice to not say Fuck.  
“Hey, Armor Boy! Please don’t say fuck!” Envy shouted.  
“No, Al! You’ve got to say fuck! The people of Ametris are depending on you!” Riza Hawkeye’s words were encouraging but that didn’t change the fact that she was aiming a gun at Al.  
“You can’t say fuck, Alphonse. If you do, it will make little Gluttony cry,” Lust, who somehow was alive because Boobs Will Never Die, tugged on Al’s heartstrings, “Read the cuecard, G-Man.”  
“Oh, ok,” Gluttony adjusted his glasses and read out his script slowly, “Please, uh, Mister.... Alphonse. Don’t say, uh Lust how do I say this?”  
“It’s fuck, Gluttony,”  
“Oh right! Don’t say fuck!” Gluttony insisted.  
Wrath, aka King Fuhrer Bradley yelled out, “Alphonse if you say fuck, I will fire Ed!”  
“WHAT?!” Ed and Al reacted in shock.  
“Did you forget that I am your boss, Fullmetal? In fact, I will hire all of your friends and fire them if you dare to say fuck!” King Fuhrer Bradley, aka Wrath threatened.  
Roy Mustang, the Flaming Alchemist gave Alphonse words of assurance, but the Flamer was blind and couldn't even walk over the inconveniently placed metal tubes. Truth Damn were they inconveniently placed by Daddy. Didn’t Daddy know how to pick up after himself? No he didn’t, he was an edgy ball of darkness that Hohenheim was dumb enough to listen to.  
Pride barfed up Solf J. Kimblee, “Hey, Al! If you don’t say fuck, I’ll give you my better Philosopher’s Stone!” Kimblee then barfed up his better Philosopher’s Stone. That’s right, there was a Philosopher’s Stone inside a Philosopher’s Stone.  
“Did Pride vore you?” Troy Baker asked.  
“Yes,”  
“ITADAKIMASU!” Pride bit into Kimblee’s trouser.  
“That’s weird,” Ling commented who was inexplicably outside of his own body.  
“Hey, how did you get out here?” Greed asked.  
“I don’t know, but now I wonder what it’s like to have sex with myself,” Ling thought.  
“Well you can call me the Onceler, because I’m gonna find out!” and without a second’s thought, Greed and Ling started to make out with each other on the floor before they started to fuck each other in the butt. This does raise the biggest question: is it gay to want to fuck yourself? Are you gay for finding yourself attractive? Are you AGP even though you’re not a woman? And if a copy of yourself came out of the mirror to make out with you, would you let it happen or would you call 9/11 to have yourself arrested for assault? If you fucked yourself would that be considered masturbating? I mean, it is jerking off your ego for sure. And man was Ling jerking Greed’s ego.  
These images were things that the Elric brothers never wanted to see. And the things they didn’t want to see kept adding up when the Gold Toothed Alchemist showed up in his Spaghetti and Meatball form, “DON’T SAY FUCK, uh... whatever your name is.”  
Pride and Gluttony covered him in tomato sauce and proceeded to eat him.  
Winry had turned into a rabbit and Lan Fan was chasing after her so she could be used on Ed for a rabbit trap. She held a grudge against Full of Metal for trapping her back in Rush Valley. Meanwhile, Greed was giving birth, “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT, GREED! We’re gonna be parents!”  
“And more importantly than that, now that this fic has MPreg, we’re gonna get so many Kudos and bookmarks from the Greed x Ling MPreg fans!” Greed declared as he tried controlling his breathing, along with having a baby bump.  
“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!” Edward demanded and he kicked a jalapeno into General Edison’s mouth, “Al, everything is fucked up! You’ve gotta say Fuck!”  
“I-I can’t! I’m too innocent for this cruel world!”  
“Bullshit! You beat up my dog!” Greed called from across the room as he was giving birth to his child. Don’t ask how.  
“Just one more push, Greed!”  
Sloth approached the suit of armor and laid his mighty hand on its shoulder, “Do what you must. Do what you think is right. Do what your heart commands.”  
“IT’S A GIRL!” Sloth, Ed, and Al looked over to Greed and Ling holding up the baby they just had.  
“I’m so proud of you, Greed!” he hugged Troy Baker and his daughter.  
“What a pain it is to comprehend this bullshit,” Sloth walked over to Father’s stone chair and fell to sleep. Meanwhile both Daddies were continuing their pointless red electrical battle, “AL YOU NEED TO SAY FUCK!  
“No you don’t,” Daddy insisted.  
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!” Al shouted as the chaos continued. Ironically it was the heroes doing all the bullshit, while the Homunculi just sat there. Except for Pride, he was gnawing on Gluttony’s arm. It was becoming too much.  
“Al!” suddenly everything stopped and everyone turned their heads to the new addition to the madness. It was Pinako Rockbell! She had her dog with her too.  
“Granny!” Ed, Al, and Rabbit Winry exclaimed.  
Pinako approached Al with her dog, “Listen here Al, you need to say fuck.”  
“But... I can’t,”  
“Don’t give me that crap! If you don’t say fuck, I’m gonna turn you into my dogs codpiece!”  
“Woof,”  
“Oh fuck that,” Al responded.  
“Uh oh,” and just like that, Daddy exploded. All of the souls inside him were then sucked in by Hohenheim like he was Kirby.  
The Homunculi stared at the remains of Daddy, “We would like to negotiate a peace treaty,” Wrath offered.  
Mustang burst through and pointed in the wrong direction of Wrath, “Wrath! I demand that you make me Hitler! I mean, make me the Fuehrer!”  
Olivier Armstrong also pointed in the wrong direction of Wrath, “NO! Don’t make him Hitler! I want to be Hitler!”  
“Don’t you mean the Fuehrer?” Ed asked.  
“I KNOW WHAT I SAID!”  
“I think I can make a compromise, Hitler Mustang and Hitler Armstrong,” Wrath answered.  
“Don’t you mean Fuehrer?” Ed asked  
“I know what I said,” 

**The epilogue.**

Troy Baker and Greed got married and became emperors of Xing, but they forgot their child while they were in the desert, but that was ok for them, because it meant they could do the sex again.  
Winry stopped being a rabbit, and in a fit of orgasmic rage, she turned herself into a woman made of automail, all save for her vagina so she could jerk her ego. And her vagina.  
Mustang and Armstrong became Hitler of Amestris while Wrath, Pride, and Mrs. Wrath went on vacation in anime Hawaii. He drew pencil stashes on them as revenge for annoying them.  
Mustang was disappointed that he didn’t have a wife like Hitler. Hawkeye finally got tired of his flaming shit, and went to lust after someone else. Lust for example.  
“You’re not mad that I stabbed your ex-boyfriend, right?” Lust asked.  
“As long as you’re not mad that I’m gonna stab you,” Hawkeye held up a strapon dildo.  
To help out the Ishvalan race, Mustang held a fair at Central, where he invited all of the Ishvalans to Punch Envy in the Gut, “Step right up folks! Step right up to bunch Envy in the gut!”  
There was even a game where you could squirt water into the Senior staff and Solf J Kimblee. It was a hit. The Fair earned whatever amount of money it took to rebuild Ishvala. Then oil was discovered and the US forces took over Ishvala from Amestris. Scar then set his sights on Donald Trump as an act of vengeance.  
“TRUMP! YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE AGAINST THE ISHVALANS! YOU SHALL ANSWER AGAINST THE WRATH OF GOD!”  
Trump hulked up and met Scar’s power, “FOOLISH ISHVALAN! MY LIFE OUTWEIGHS THE LIVES OF THE MANY!” and by the end of that day, the White House had become the Red House, because Scar killed Trump and then became president. That doesn't explain why the house is red. It's because the eyes of Ishavla are red, so it seems like it's fitting. Yoki was his Vice President after he beat the shit out of Mike Pence.  
Hohenheim had absorbed all of Daddy’s souls, and so he had to spend a few weeks sorting out their souls. And unlike the canon Ed and Al, they were not pussies. So they asked their father for their bodies back. Hohenheim went to Truth world where he beat the shit out of that pussy before giving him the equivalent of two souls by giving the Truth ten arms.  
Al got his body back and he started rapping X Gon Give it to ya after discovering that Fuck was pretty easy to say. Ed got his arm and leg back, so he was even less effective at fighting. He had to be the nerd he was supposed to be, and went into a depression that seemed endless. But soon his luck changed when he came across a bankrupt retirement home . And thus the Krusty Krab was born!  
“WAAAH! WAAAAH”  
Pinako gave up smoking.

**Author's Note:**

> Gay Penis


End file.
